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Guess who’s back... back again...

When Uncle Wynie Strydom called me up to tell me I should get my ass on the earliest flight out of SA, the list of demands on my side was massive.

You wouldn’t think someone or something could get much more outrageous than Mariah Carey when it comes to their rider (personal list of demands which forms part of their contractual agreement) – like her request to have any and all hotel rooms she ever enters fully fitted with golden faucets.

Well, you haven’t met my bulldog, Zsa Zsa yet...

Among the list of things I had to do after the AM call from Wynie was to make sure she would be taken care of in the manner she has become accustomed to over the past 14 months.

That includes finding a home for her where she would have to reside for the two weeks. Since everyone I know was already in Australia, the only option open was my parents’ house... and so the hard work started.

She requires the lawn to be a perfect 50/50 mix of Kikuyu and Tall Fescue grass. She demands her doghouse be put in a location with a minimum of seven hours’ exposure to direct sunlight, and her diet has to include at least one serving of Nestum Baby Porridge prepared with skim milk and low fat Flora butter per day.

She’s a real man-eater.

I, on the other hand, had no such demands when taking Wynie’s call. In fact, all I felt was relief.

I had half a day to pack – no problem. My seat during the 14-hour flight was in Economy class, and not in Business class like our seats for overseas flights normally are – no problem. Since I’m the last person to receive my tour kit, the pieces are all two sizes out either way – no problem. I look like I’m wearing my mother’s gym shorts and Zsa Zsa’s windbreaker. Zsa Zsa is the fat one, just to be on the safe side (Luckily she doesn’t like reading in English).

I’m just stoked to be back in the midst of things, never mind back in the starting team. I find myself in the number 6 jumper this weekend, a role I’ve been wanting to play a little bit more often for a while now. It does mean my fitness level will be tested to the very limits of what is humanly endurable after my most recent lay-off, but I don’t mind a bit of panting.

Sorry for the wait between my last column and this one – writer’s block isn’t to blame – I just find talking about my life makes it seem like I’m not busy enough living it, and since I needed to get real busy with the rehabilitation of my injuries, I didn’t want to be guilty of wasting any time or shirking my duties.

It paid off and I’m back early again, for the third time in a row. You know how everyone always wants to be a Superhero and searches intensely for ways they’re different? Well, maybe I’m Regenerative Man, and my powers have been suppressed up until now by minor insomnia and bad life choices. Then again, after all the recovering, I’m starting to look more like Lopsided Man, but that’s Future Dewie’s problem – let that guy worry about that...

Speaking of Superhero physique, captain Pierre Spies is my roommate. I’m seeing a very different side of the lad that looks like the lovechild of the Michelin Man and the former Governor of California. For such a colossal human being he sure does the cutest baby voice when talking to his little boy over Skype. Incidentally, this is the first time in three tours I also have someone else to Skype with other than Phillipina Potgieter. A good friend...

Indeed, I’ve been busy with some other ventures parallel with the road to recovery.

My new Jeep Wrangler is pretty cool too. If I act like an old woman I can crawl between 6 and 7 km’s on a litre. Now I must just try not to wet the bed. That’s just a joke Oumie – I’m not teasing old people – you know I love you.

But the news I want to report that I’m most happy about is my acquisition of a vacant stand in Waterkloof Ridge, and I’m really looking forward to designing and building a house on it. At last, Antihero Properties has something other to do than act as a tool to strike up conversation with waitresses at paying points.

So, drop me a message if you’re an architect, an engineer, a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter, a painter, you own a CTM, you own a Bathroom Bizarre, you own Macsteel, and especially if you own Glassplanet.

Things are looking up for me, and I don’t care if I supposedly jinx myself by saying as much. As I ran onto the training ground on Monday, it felt like I never left. I had two great days on the field, and I’m getting all my extras done, something I’ve never been that fond of doing. Guys, I’m doing the best I can.

Thanks a lot to every person who has, during my lay-off, taken the time to send a short message, or leave a weird voicemail, or tweet a trivial two-liner. Believe me, nothing was trivial to me.

If you’ve been holding thumbs for me these past couple of weeks, please, keep doing so just a little longer.

Have a great week guys...

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