To err is human; tour is not

Bulls and Stormers fans will be forgiven the faintest of grins as they survey the Super 14 landscape at the end of week five of the fifth and final edition of the southern hemisphere's premier provincial tournament in its current format.

Below the two traditional powerhouses of South African rugby is a collection of under-powered New Zealanders, overstretched Australians and, as always, the Republic's fair share of no-hopers.

For the second consecutive week the might of New Zealand rugby could only muster one Super 14 win, again from a derby. The two South African contenders have also seen the back of the better half of the Australian challenge.

So, why shouldn't we just skip over the boring bits and start writing about the juicy prospects of a second all-South African super rugby final?

Well, simple really. Two months is an awful long time in rugby, all the more so if one of those two months is to be spent away from home, suffering Antipodean hostility and facing the early blows of the fierce and unforgiving Antarctic winter*.

Yes, dear readers, it is time for the SuperWrap's seldom-anticipated annual moan about the plight of our touring teams.

For those of you who may have missed the previous half-a-dozen moan editions, the basics:

• Anyone who has ever travelled over eight time-zones from West to East will tell you that it takes exactly three weeks to overcome the debilitating effects of jet-lag. That leaves the average South African touring party with one match to play, but by then the squad is so depleted that the team has no option but to cap the team masseuse and send her out with a number three on her back.
• Anyone who has ever spent more than two weeks away from Pretoria or Cape Town will tell you that it is impossible for the human body to go that amount of time without being supplemented with koeksisters and bokkoms.
• Anyone who has ever shared a room with a burly South African lock forward for more than a month will tell you that homesickness is nothing to be ashamed of.
• No one outside of your hotel corridor speaks Afrikaans. (Ok, this point was closer to the truth when we first used it ten years ago)
• Nowhere can you find a Spur burger on your afternoon off. (Also a lot less relevant since Ollie retired)
• Still, no Kurt Darren on the radio, no 7de Laan on TV.
• And then, who can bear being called "mate" for a whole month?

In short, it's tough out on the road. And only a precious few South African Super Rugby teams have ever come through OR Tambo's arrivals gate with their heads held high.

The chances, therefore, of both the Bulls and the Stormers still being in the top four when they finish their tours in five weeks' time are slight, bordering on none.

So let's get to the point: print out the log as it currently stands, frame it and have it hanged in a prominent spot at your local. You're not likely to ever see two South African sides at the top of a three-nation log ever again. Or at least not until we've had the time to figure out the utterly confusing scoring system of next year's Super 15 inter-continental, cross-conference play-off league thingy.

Yes, both the Stormers and the Bulls still have a home match to go before they start packing, but both teams may be in for a surprise when they come up against their bogey sides this week. The Hurricanes can brag that they have won their last two encounters at Loftus Versfeld, while very few Capetonians will be feeling too confident ahead Saturday's clash against a Cheetahs side that has caused the Newlands faithful more than one heartache in the last couple of years.

Yes, both the Stormers and the Bulls may still go on to feature in the play-offs in May, but don't bet on it just yet. As Naas Botha may have said if he was born a few years later: The Super 14 is not won in March.

* Apologies to our friends in New Zealand for the slight hyperbole. We understand that neither the Bulls nor the Stormers are scheduled to play in Dunedin. Still, we like to train in sunshine.

Right, on to the best and the rest:

Super XV for Week Five:
15. Israel Dagg (Highlanders), 14. Drew Mitchell (Waratahs),13. Jaque Fourie (Stormers), 12. Wynand Olivier (Bulls), 11. Zac Guildford (Crusaders), 10. Quade Cooper (Reds), 9. Will Genia (Reds), 8. Pierre Spies (Bulls), 7. Scott Higginbotham (Reds) 6. Schalk Burger (Stormers), 5. Andries Bekker (Stormers), 4. Dean Mumm (Waratahs), 3. Salesi Ma`afu (Brumbies), 2. Gary Botha (Bulls), 1. Ben Alexander (Brumbies).

Bok Barometer for Week Five:
15. Joe Pietersen (Stormers), 14. Gerhard van den Heever (Bulls), 13. Jaque Fourie (Stormers), 12. Wynand Olivier (Bulls) 11. Francois Hougaard (Bulls), 10. Morne Steyn (Bulls), 9. Ruan Pienaar (Sharks), 8. Pierre Spies (Bulls) 7. Francois Louw (Stormers), 6. Schalk Burger (Stormers), 5. Andries bekker (Stormers), 4. Anton van Zyl (Stormers), 3. Kevin Buys (Lions), 2. Gary Botha (Bulls), 1. Werner Kruger* (Bulls).

*Kruger started at tighthead but showed his versatility when he moved to loosehead early in the match after an injury to Gurthro Steenkamp.

Match of the week:
The Reds, the Waratahs, the Bulls and the Stormers all impressed as they completely dominated their opposition over the weekend, but all these matches were too one-sided to go down as classics. Instead it was the tussle between New Zealand's top two franchises in Hamilton that really caught the eye. Both the Crusaders and the Chiefs approached the match positively and referee Mark Lawrence allowed the game to flow. Only the weather dampened procedures somewhat in the second half, but not enough to stop the clash from being named the SuperWrap's match of the week.

Try of the week:
Hugh Bladen called it the individual try of the season, and we concur. Take a bow Gerhard van den Heever.

Bone-cruncher of the week:
Ma`a Nonu escaped punishment from a Sanzar judicial officer for this WWE-style stiff-arm on Stormers flyhalf Peter Grant.

We have to wonder, would Mr Rob Stelzner’s verdict have been the same if it was Butch James or JP Nel in the hot seat?

Honourable mentions go to Wynand Olivier for his in-goal face-plant of Sean Romans and to Sireli Naqelevuki whose downing of Corey Jane would have walked the award if it even resembled a tackle.

The Jorrie goes to:
Carlos Spencer for this howler that lead to Waratahs lock Dean Mumm scoring the softest of tries.

Newcomer of the week:
Bulls reserve prop Rossouw de Klerk had to take his place at tighthead after an early injury to Gurthro Steenkamp on Saturday. It is not often that you see a 20 year old stand up that effectively to one of the stronger scrumming outfits in the competition. With South African rugby's lack of depth in the tighthead position, it was a very welcome sight indeed.

Schlepper of the week:
This week's schlepper goes to the refereeing panel that appointed the controversial Paul Marks as assistant referee in the Brumbies/Sharks match. You didn't need a crystal ball to predict that both Marks and the Sharks would have preferred not to see much of each other for the rest of the season, and so it proved to be. A flag out, a bad decision and a "Was that a Paul Marks call?" by a well-known captain later, and gone is the notion of referee impartiality.

Do unto others…:
"Just at the weekend, my yellow card [against the Cheetahs] – some say I deserved it and others not. But rugby is a contact sport and these rules are taking out the big hits South Africans and New Zealanders love to do on each other,” All Black centre Ma`a Nonu told a Cape Town newspaper last week. "You do a high shoulder and you get penalised. It's getting a bit boring."

The SuperWrap team was a bit perplexed at Nonu's inclusive approach. Nowhere in the historical records could we find a single instance of a South African high tackle being described by a New Zealander as entertaining.

Nevertheless, while Nonu stopped short of describing the modern game as ballet, we're sure his thoughts would have been read with a fair amount of sympathy in certain parts of the Mother City.

Milestones:
Carlos Spencer earned his 100th super rugby cap against the Waratahs this weekend. (96 for the Blues and four for the Lions) Jano Vermaak and Berrick Barnes played in their 50th Super Rugby matches. John Smit and Victor Matfield captained their super rugby franchises for the 50th time. Dan Carter (996) overtook Andrew Mehrtens (990) and is now in second place on all-time super rugby points-scoring list behind Stirling Mortlock on 1 019. Drew Mitchell became the ninth player in Super Rugby history to score four tries in a match. No player has ever managed to score five. He shares the record with:

Quote of the week I:
“It's the goalkicker's creep.” - Grant Nisbett on Stephen Donald stealing a metre or two. It's also called cheating by opposition forwards.

Quote of the week II:
“A bit of Benny Hill music wouldn't be out of place.” – Greg Martin on the Lions' comedy of errors in Sydney.

Quotes of the week III:
“Blades was in the first rifle squad for the Boer War” – Phil Kearns informs viewers about the age of SuperSport's Hugh Bladen.
“Blades was one of the original pupils for King Edward School in the 1880s, he then fought the Boer War” – Greg Martin feels it necessary to throw in a school name.

The SuperWrap judges have it as 2-0 to the Australian commentary team on the unofficial scorecard. Can we expect a comeback?