'A flaming whoopsie into the coconuts'

The foregoing phrase belongs to David Feherty, the former Irish professional golfer who packed away the clubs he wielded with not a little aplomb to swing a commentator’s microphone even more tellingly.

It is a typical piece of Feherty – used to describe a wild shot into palm trees by John Cook while playing the Blue Monster at Doral – that captured the moment perfectly. It was unintelligible but funny and we knew what he meant.

Feherty’s “whoopsie” came to mind when I saw a column on Sports Illustrated’s website in which Americans put forward suggestions of golf expressions for the 21st century and it set me off thinking of some that would be right for South Africa.

We’re talking about things such as “army golf”, as in left-right-left-right, and “tweet-tweet” for a birdie.

Some of the other American terms included:

Al Gore: Putt that came up just short.

Ally McBeal: Shot hit thin.

Archie: Ball hit into bunker.

Bolivian: When your putt stops just short of the hole and you needed just one more revolution.

JFK Jr: When you put three in the water.

Lorena Bobbitt: Wicked slice.

Mick Jagger: Lipped-out putt.

O.J.: Incredible good fortune, as in getting away with murder.

Let’s have a shot at some Seffrican ones:

Ferdie: A crap shot into the bush.

Pieter Dirk: Hitting out with gay abandon.

Tony Leon: Being drawn with players you don’t really like the look of.

Eugene Terreblanche: A shank; or shot veering sharply to the right.

Casper de Vries: short, fat and ugly and accompanied by many expletives.

Naas Botha: Obviously a drop-kick; hitting the ground before the ball but still propelling it forward.

Rudolf Straeuli: Getting back to basics.

Ernie: Swinging it big and easy.

Fitzy: Getting the ball to bite.

Willem van Drimmelen: Backspin… as in “trûtol.”

Shane Warne A duck-hook; turning square to the left.

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