An open letter to a couple of my 'Pommy' mates

Dear Neil and Terry,

I am sick to death of you both ducking the issue regarding the upcoming Ashes Series every Saturday morning and have decided to get my poison pen out and give you both twenty-five reasons why your blokes might as well pack up and go home now.

Should you have allowed me sufficient time discussing cricket instead of you both rabbiting on about that brainless football every week, you would have been spared these cold hard facts.

1. Your lot have not won the Ashes for 15 years. Why change now?

2. Nasser Hussain does not smile.

3. Glenn McGrath dines out on Poms.

4. Andrew Flintoff can’t keep his shirt on.

5. Shane Warne terminates Poms.

6. Between Warne and McGrath they have over 850 Test wickets.

7. Since 1986, there have been 57 Australian centuries scored in Ashes Tests compared to England’s insipidly paltry 28.

8. Steve Waugh hates Poms.

9. Since 1986, Australia have captured 46 five-wicket hauls whereas the pathetic Poms have managed only a measly 23.

10. Brett Lee wants to execute someone.

11. To win Test matches you need to bowl out the opposition. In the last three Ashes Series (16 Tests), Australia have skittled the Poms 27 times and England only 18 times.

12. Shane Warne has the famous ‘slider’.

13. England have injury problems galore. This is not a great revelation because they are soft……just like both of you!

14. Australia play positive, aggressive, entertaining cricket.

15. The Poms can even put an insomniac to sleep.

18. The sun will pierce the Englishmen like a red-hot sword.

19. Andy Capostagno reckons the Poms have a chance.

20. England’s best player is at home minding his kids.

21. Warne has taken ‘only’ 64 wickets in his last nine Tests and needs 23 scalps to celebrate 500 Test wickets.

22. The ‘chin music’ for the top order Englishmen will be unrelenting.

23. Ian Botham is commentating, not playing.

24. Harold Larwood is too old.

25. Darren Gough is divorced and injured.

Enough said. Any bets boys?

Haysie.